I’ve Always Wanted What I Couldn’t Have

When you were there I wasn’t ready

When I should have been, I could not

What we had was good and steady

But my heart could not keep up

 

You asked me if there was a way

That maybe we could make it work

I told you there was no point to stay

Because you were ahead in the game

 

It was too much too soon for me to take

Even if we could have been

I guess that’s part of growing up

And all the mistakes we have to make

 

 

Now it is too late for me to ask

For another chance to be with you

Because the real world has caught on

And the decision was made for you

 

I’ve always wanted what I couldn’t have

But I never thought that would be you

 

For all the times you said you loved me

If only I could finally say it back now too

 

I’ve Always Wanted What I Couldn’t Have

Heartbreak & Happiness

Nobody really tells you what it feels like to be in love, but the more shocking thing is that nobody tells you what it’s like to be heartbroken. If millions of people have gone through it, why does it still seem underrated? You think that if people really did feel it, then more people would talk about it and you wouldn’t have to feel like you were bottling it all up. You search for every song, every movie and every book that might just capture how you feel and what you’re going through just to tell yourself that what you’re feeling isn’t out of this world, because it sure feels like it.

Is it really underrated or are you just making a big deal out of it? Because how can something as big as this not be part of every day conversation when you feel it take over you every minute of every day? How come when you’re supposed to be happy, you still feel the weight in your chest? You think that the happiness you have is only real happiness after you tell the person you love about it, but that is the very reason why your heart gets shattered over and over again; when you lose that person in every “happy” moment you have. It goes the same way for when you feel sadness. You try and look for someone or something that will get you out of this sadness, but you think that the only thing that will make you happy is being with the person that you love so what’s the point in trying? Your heart breaks over and over again just at the thought of it.

People tell you that time heals all wounds and you really think that what they’re telling you is pure bullshit because how the hell would they know right? Have they been through it? Or if they did, you bet they weren’t as invested or as in love or as hurt as you because you think you lost the love of your life, your best friend, your partner and no one had that special thing you did. You thought you had your life figured out, your future planned out and your love by your side forever. You thought that the love you had was enough to fuel a lifetime and it hurts to accept how unbelievably wrong you are.

You spend hours, days, weeks, months crying about it, talking about it and maybe even writing about it. It comes up in nearly every conversation you have, every tweet you favorite, every song you sing and just EVERYTHING. It almost consumes you that you start to see how it’s made you crazy. You see this crazy in you and start to wonder if others see it too. You make the conscious effort to look and sound like you’re okay, because maybe if you tell others you’re okay then maybe you’ll be okay and maybe it’ll help you regain your sanity. Maybe they’ll believe it and maybe you will too. You then bottle up your feelings and put them aside in a safe place. A safe place for safe keeping; so you won’t forget. You half want to forget, but half don’t want to because maybe the love you had was worth remembering. Maybe there’s that small hope that you’ll find yourself back into that love again… with your love again. A whole lot of maybes.

The thing is, you can’t live on maybe’s and what if’s. You can’t live on regret either. There’s no pause sign, stop sign, buffering or loading sign to tell you when you’ll be ready to “live” again. There are no directions, no instructions and no specific steps on how to put your heart back together. You just simply have to live.

Remember what happiness was like before you fell in love. Remember how your happiness was not solely dependent on one person.  Remember that you create your own happiness.

Heartbreak & Happiness

Til today

Will it always feel like this?

To hold my tongue

To hesitate

To stay away from what I miss?

Will there ever be a time

Where it hurts a little less?

To see you there

To catch your stare

When you know inside I am a mess

Until that day

I will not say

A hint of how I feel

Because we both know

And we understand

That our love was too surreal

Whether it was true

Or all in my head

Its still the one

That keeps me up in bed

So keep me here

Away from you

Til there’s nothing left

And there’s nothing left for me to do

But to let go of you

 

Til today