Last night I dreamt of you
And the way you held me close
The weight of your arm around my chest
Felt like home again
And with the sound of your heavy breaths
And the warmth of your soft touch
I wondered if it could be real
Or just a figment of my mind
Its been years since I’ve said your name
Or found comfort in your voice
I’ve moved on to quite far away
But never far enough
When you were there I wasn’t ready
When I should have been, I could not
What we had was good and steady
But my heart could not keep up
You asked me if there was a way
That maybe we could make it work
I told you there was no point to stay
Because you were ahead in the game
It was too much too soon for me to take
Even if we could have been
I guess that’s part of growing up
And all the mistakes we have to make
Now it is too late for me to ask
For another chance to be with you
Because the real world has caught on
And the decision was made for you
I’ve always wanted what I couldn’t have
But I never thought that would be you
For all the times you said you loved me
If only I could finally say it back now too
I miss you after a little while
Your presence lights up a room
I miss the way you make me smile
On days I don’t see you
I’ve never met a man so kind
So humble and polite
I’ve never looked someone in the eye
And felt this could be right
You will always be enough
And that’s what scares me most
Because I don’t feel worthy of your love
But I need my daily dose
Is it selfish to want you now
But not know if I’m ready?
Is it wrong to admit to you
When my feelings are unsteady?
Nobody really tells you what it feels like to be in love, but the more shocking thing is that nobody tells you what it’s like to be heartbroken. If millions of people have gone through it, why does it still seem underrated? You think that if people really did feel it, then more people would talk about it and you wouldn’t have to feel like you were bottling it all up. You search for every song, every movie and every book that might just capture how you feel and what you’re going through just to tell yourself that what you’re feeling isn’t out of this world, because it sure feels like it.
Is it really underrated or are you just making a big deal out of it? Because how can something as big as this not be part of every day conversation when you feel it take over you every minute of every day? How come when you’re supposed to be happy, you still feel the weight in your chest? You think that the happiness you have is only real happiness after you tell the person you love about it, but that is the very reason why your heart gets shattered over and over again; when you lose that person in every “happy” moment you have. It goes the same way for when you feel sadness. You try and look for someone or something that will get you out of this sadness, but you think that the only thing that will make you happy is being with the person that you love so what’s the point in trying? Your heart breaks over and over again just at the thought of it.
People tell you that time heals all wounds and you really think that what they’re telling you is pure bullshit because how the hell would they know right? Have they been through it? Or if they did, you bet they weren’t as invested or as in love or as hurt as you because you think you lost the love of your life, your best friend, your partner and no one had that special thing you did. You thought you had your life figured out, your future planned out and your love by your side forever. You thought that the love you had was enough to fuel a lifetime and it hurts to accept how unbelievably wrong you are.
You spend hours, days, weeks, months crying about it, talking about it and maybe even writing about it. It comes up in nearly every conversation you have, every tweet you favorite, every song you sing and just EVERYTHING. It almost consumes you that you start to see how it’s made you crazy. You see this crazy in you and start to wonder if others see it too. You make the conscious effort to look and sound like you’re okay, because maybe if you tell others you’re okay then maybe you’ll be okay and maybe it’ll help you regain your sanity. Maybe they’ll believe it and maybe you will too. You then bottle up your feelings and put them aside in a safe place. A safe place for safe keeping; so you won’t forget. You half want to forget, but half don’t want to because maybe the love you had was worth remembering. Maybe there’s that small hope that you’ll find yourself back into that love again… with your love again. A whole lot of maybes.
The thing is, you can’t live on maybe’s and what if’s. You can’t live on regret either. There’s no pause sign, stop sign, buffering or loading sign to tell you when you’ll be ready to “live” again. There are no directions, no instructions and no specific steps on how to put your heart back together. You just simply have to live.
Remember what happiness was like before you fell in love. Remember how your happiness was not solely dependent on one person. Remember that you create your own happiness.
I thought it was all over
A long time ago
But every time I see you again
I have a hard time letting go
But nothing will change from this point on
Nothing more than our short run
Because all my pride will always hide
The years of longing kept aside
It’s hard not to know
It’s hard to be on this end
With all the mixed signals
And the border of being just a friend
I don’t want it to be you
I don’t want to feel
Cause when the storm had passed through
I couldn’t tell if it was real
So maybe this is the second time around
Or maybe this time will change
But please keep my feet on the ground
And keep my heart within range
I need to know I’ll be safe
I need to keep the hurt from coming
But how do you really know
How do you keep yourself from drowning?
Through time I had found myself
Amongst meaningless kisses
And my own carelessness
But I knew that night
You were not like them
I hope you’re not one
I’ll have to miss
Will it always feel like this?
To hold my tongue
To hesitate
To stay away from what I miss?
Will there ever be a time
Where it hurts a little less?
To see you there
To catch your stare
When you know inside I am a mess
Until that day
I will not say
A hint of how I feel
Because we both know
And we understand
That our love was too surreal
Whether it was true
Or all in my head
Its still the one
That keeps me up in bed
So keep me here
Away from you
Til there’s nothing left
And there’s nothing left for me to do
But to let go of you
If trust is most important
Then I cannot be your muse
Even if love was always there
There’s so much more to lose
Even if I never stopped
Loving, thinking, wishing
You had not fought the way I had
You led me to my breaking
Just This For Now 