Last night I dreamt of you
And the way you held me close
The weight of your arm around my chest
Felt like home again
And with the sound of your heavy breaths
And the warmth of your soft touch
I wondered if it could be real
Or just a figment of my mind
Its been years since I’ve said your name
Or found comfort in your voice
I’ve moved on to quite far away
But never far enough
When you were there I wasn’t ready
When I should have been, I could not
What we had was good and steady
But my heart could not keep up
You asked me if there was a way
That maybe we could make it work
I told you there was no point to stay
Because you were ahead in the game
It was too much too soon for me to take
Even if we could have been
I guess that’s part of growing up
And all the mistakes we have to make
Now it is too late for me to ask
For another chance to be with you
Because the real world has caught on
And the decision was made for you
I’ve always wanted what I couldn’t have
But I never thought that would be you
For all the times you said you loved me
If only I could finally say it back now too
I miss you after a little while
Your presence lights up a room
I miss the way you make me smile
On days I don’t see you
I’ve never met a man so kind
So humble and polite
I’ve never looked someone in the eye
And felt this could be right
You will always be enough
And that’s what scares me most
Because I don’t feel worthy of your love
But I need my daily dose
Is it selfish to want you now
But not know if I’m ready?
Is it wrong to admit to you
When my feelings are unsteady?
I thought it was all over
A long time ago
But every time I see you again
I have a hard time letting go
But nothing will change from this point on
Nothing more than our short run
Because all my pride will always hide
The years of longing kept aside
It’s hard not to know
It’s hard to be on this end
With all the mixed signals
And the border of being just a friend
Through time I had found myself
Amongst meaningless kisses
And my own carelessness
But I knew that night
You were not like them
I hope you’re not one
I’ll have to miss
Will it always feel like this?
To hold my tongue
To hesitate
To stay away from what I miss?
Will there ever be a time
Where it hurts a little less?
To see you there
To catch your stare
When you know inside I am a mess
Until that day
I will not say
A hint of how I feel
Because we both know
And we understand
That our love was too surreal
Whether it was true
Or all in my head
Its still the one
That keeps me up in bed
So keep me here
Away from you
Til there’s nothing left
And there’s nothing left for me to do
But to let go of you
If trust is most important
Then I cannot be your muse
Even if love was always there
There’s so much more to lose
Even if I never stopped
Loving, thinking, wishing
You had not fought the way I had
You led me to my breaking
I thought I had the strength
I thought I had let it go
But to reopen doors of long ago
Took much more than I had known
I don’t know where to go from here
With so much fear inside
I don’t know if I love you so
You had left me traumatized
if i still keep what you gave
does it mean i still have hope?
there is a part of me that cannot tell
and cannot cope with letting go
with pictures and poems and letters from you
all stored in my safekeeping
maybe i just need some evidence
that our time was not just me dreaming
Just This For Now 